I have never been the most fit person around. I’ve coasted through life being relatively slim to pleasantly plump. I’ve never actually managed to stay one size or shape instead I swing wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other thanks to health issues like thyroid and PCOD, unhealthy eating habits and little to no exercise.
Finally, after a loooot of procrastinating I decided that 2019 would be the year I concentrated on being healthy aka being fit. A more realistic goal would be to concentrate on trying to be fit…To that end, I signed up under a mentor and started to follow a diet and home workouts. The gym is out of the question since I have no one to leave Z with. That’s my official excuse. The honest reason is I prefer to whimper in pain in the privacy of my home. Public humiliation is something I generally try to avoid.
Moving on, here’s what I’ve learned, both about my fitness journey and about myself…
1. My mentor is a man of endless patience. He’s plagued with a mentee who sends him messages along the following lines:
- “Can I eat mango?” It’s mango season, how can I not? Right? I’m pretty sure there are atleast some people who are nodding along…
- “Can I add sugar to my tea?” I mean, seriously people, who invented that godawful taste destroying sugar free stuff?
- “I just finished my leg workout. I may never walk again. HELP!!” This one is fairly self-explanatory.
- “I started exercising two days ago. Why are my jeans still tight?” Okay, this was a moment of pure idiocy but I’m owning it.
2. My family and friends are a bad, bad influence and maybe even a little evil. Examples of how they lead me astray are below.
- “I am so proud of you for trying to eat healthy and exercise. Want some banana chips?”
- “I have a surprise for you. I made your favourite dish.”
- “Can you buy us some ice cream on your way home from work?”
3. Those toned, gleaming idiotically good looking people in exercise videos re supremely annoying.
“Good burn…Good burn.” Even hearing those words makes me want to hit something.
Who in their right mind murmurs “Good Burn Good Burn” while exercising? Reality is more “IT BURNS. IT BURNS. HELP ME GOD. IT BURNS.” And there is no elegant, poised murmur unless you consider screaming in your head a murmur.
Also, why don’t these people sweat? Or have even a hair out of place? I, on the other hand, look like I’ve been to war. And my face twitches. I can’t seem to control it. Z stands in front of me saying “Why are you looking like that, mom?”
I don’t think screaming IT BURNS would be an appropriate response.
One of us is not doing it right and I’m pretty sure it’s me. After all, they’ve got the poised ‘Good burn’ going for them…
4. I have very good intentions. My follow through on the other hand needs some work. Ok fine, a lot of work.
You know what else I have? Perseverance. I refuse to give up. More because it’s really hard to suck in your stomach and struggle to zip up those jeans every morning. Also, there’s only so long you can last without taking a full breath and having the circulation cut off in your legs. Ask me, I should know…I push the limits on both every day. Why don’t I buy clothes in bigger sizes? Because that would mean I’m rational, logical and more importantly, a quitter. Who wants to be any of those three?
5. To the next person who asks me what weight I lift, I say ‘Mind your own business.’ My puny, little 1 kg weights and I are very happy together. We are in a stable, secure relationship and we will not be parted. Not now. Not ever.
I could go on, but I’ll stop now. You see, I need to go exercise. If you don’t hear from me for a while it’s because I’m struggling to catch my next breath. Until next time, good burn!